Everything that needs to be signed is signed, as of about 18h00 EST.
I had some tears on the way there....but left knowing that this is truly the end of a book (more than a chapter) in my life.
I'm going to bed....still the same conditions as yesterday. Sore throat, run down from being sick for FOUR weeks, but I have this amazing sense if gratitude towards every single person....that made the biggest or the smallest of gestures....that has helped me get through this.
Thank you....for just letting me be who I am...and loving me along the way.
Tonight, I finally signed my separation agreement.
While the relationship part of things was over long, long ago (I guess), this feels like the hardest part of the process.
I felt weak after I left (more on that later), so I took a taxi home...thankfully the taxi driver got me talking...or else I think I would have quietly whimpered/cried the entire way home like I did until I got in the taxi.
While my new job rocks (a lot)...I've been struggling with my health...which makes for long evenings...Once I hit the seat of the bus...it's donezo for me...
I try to tidy up, get a little workout in, tend to the dog...but I find myself too tired to move. Next post I'll talk about what I'm doing to try to get rid of this damn sickness....but tonight...I barely have the energy to cry...but can't seem to get myself to stop tearing up...I can't help but feel hopeless.
I think that I will build a very happy life for myself...that even on most days I have a happy life...but tonight I feel hopeless that I'll ever be able to find someone to love...that loves me back...and live happily ever after.
I think in the big picture, I'm a pretty good person, have desirable qualities, am generally attractive, and would make a good partner.
But after reading my separation and divorce agreements...and paying money to have them prepared...and having to deal with lawyers to end a union...that is supposed to be forever...well, it casts a pretty negative outlook on the entire, "love" aspect of my life.
I miss having someone to nag to make sure they eat a minimum of 5 vegetables per day (it's my thing....I'm weird). I miss laughing with about something completely ridiculous and inappropriate with someone. The hardest...not going to sleep...holding someone's hand.
I know that I have a good life and that tomorrow will be a new day with most likely a brighter outlook in general.
But love...romantically....again...a relationship with the good, bad, and ugly? Pessimistic view at this point.
Goodnight online world.
Pardon me if my writing is a little "Frenglish"....when I go back and forth some days I can't quite pick a language.
It is astonishing the size of impact that a change in environment can have on an individual. I knew in my heart by day two of my previous job that I wouldn't be a lifer there...but that I would make the best of it.
"The best of it" became too much for too long, had a direct impact on my productivity, confidence, and ultimately my happiness....but I had some other factors going on in the background....or the front ground, really...that didn't exactly help the situation.
Today was my first day at my new job. I am treated with respect, dignity, and valued - just like every other employee working there. Look, I totally expect to get shit on at multiple points at my time there....it's the nature of my job... But the company as a whole....well, I'm honestly in total shock and awe because these conditions are some that I haven't experienced in a long time.
I know I'm most likely seeing only the good...but I didn't have that feeling that I did at my previous job....where everyone was just a number with an expiration date...the details are not important...but what I've REALLY learned in the last couple of months, and what was truly enforced today, is that a company that reinvests even 0.005% of their profits into activities related to employee morale, save themselves an enormous amount of time, money, and lost productivity.
That's all I've got for now....I hope to continue to post more encouraging updates. I've decided that I really, really deserve it.