I'm still in disbelief about the events of yesterday. 

What an amazing, perfect day.

We all cried, we all laughed, we had a minister that TOLD JOKES that my grandpa would have LOVED and I got to see so much family and friends and even strangers that gave so much love. 

I feel such relief, such love, such peace. My heart still hurts. My brain is still processing. But we all got to see just how much love is out there for my grandpa and grandma. My grandpa would have loved it.


Goodnight Grandpa

What an amazing marvellous day today was. My grandpa would be proud of us. & I needed this so badly.

I'm totally spent & dehydrated from crying...my heart hurts so much...almost physically, but I finally finally feel like my grandpa is where he is supposed to be.

I received so so so so much love today. My heart is overwhelmed & my brain is barely functioning...I hope I sleep too.

I feel so grateful to the people that came out to celebrate my grandpa's life. & lucky to have had him in my life. 

I spent a lot of time with my friends after. Several came over my to my grandma's & it was wonderful to visit


...even though my head is spinning!!!!!

We are so blessed. 

Confused

My brain is totally & utterly confused. It can't seem to process or make sense of what's going on.


My grandma is baking, there are all these arrangements being made, we are all doing our hair & nails...like we are preparing for a wedding. 

I'm totally & completely exhausted...though certainly not from over-excertion. 

I'm about to have a nap and then make the finishing touches on my grandpa's eulogy, after having spaghetti dinner at my grandma's with my aunts and mom.

Grandpa, you were so, so, so, so strong. I need your strength tonight. 

Etown

Maggie successfully made the trip. She was totally fine in her tote bag (as seen hanging from a bathroom hook),

But it wasn't the funnest time in my life.

Also, when travelling with a dog be prepared for every child to come up to you and listen to them tell you about every dog they've ever known or met. In the end, I had a helpful 9 year old that helped to distract Maggie.

Today was spent just with my grandma. I'm still not sure how this grief thing works, but I'm sure glad I'm here. Maggie 's pretty happy to. 

Avoidance

Normally I'd be excited. I haven't been to Edmonton since last summer and I wasn't very healthy when I was there. I didn't see many people and it wasn't a ton of fun.

I'll be seeing many, many people this time. I'm much, much healthier...but I'm also a wreck. I want to stay in Montreal for as long as I possibly can so that I don't have to face what's waiting for me. 

I haven't assisted in one funeral arrangement, I haven't visited one family member, I haven't said goodbye to my grandpa. I'm in this state of limbo because I didn't realize that grief could be so incredibly overwhelming. 

I have done absolutely everything possible not to pack my suitcase. I have tried to find any excuse not to go.

I need to be with my family, eventually I'm going to crash and burn with this avoidance strategy...I just want to pretend everything is ok for one.more.day.

The night my grandpa passed away, I had real anxiety before going to bed. I felt scared in my own home and I went so far as turning the outside patio light on. That night there was a huge storm, waking both Maggie and I up (storms aren't very com mi in Montreal), I even took Maggie in my bed because she was freaking out. 

Now I can't turn the patio light off. I can't explain it, it's stupid. My grandpa didn't come to me and ask me to keep the light on...yet I'm kind of clinging to the idea that he did...and now I can't turn it off. 

Tomorrow I'll have the day to pack. A very, very good friend is coming over in the morning. I might cry with them all morning but I'll be happy for the love and the hugs. To be followed ten fold when I return to Edmonton. 

That left a mark.

Thank you to anyone that has shared a memory, a condolence, a song, anything.
My family is taking care of me long distance.
My friends are taking care of me here.
I feel very lucky and very blessed, but most of all, I feel like my grandpa truly left a mark on the world.
Which is the very best feeling to have in this kind of situation.
<3 

��

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T2ACmJPhz3Q&sns=em

My cousin will coming from Vancouver be singing this on Thursday. We found it last night & it was my grandpa's favourite song.
I can't stop listening to it.

❤️