Face wash

Dogs are miraculous creatures. I came home, crying the entire way home on the metro, the bus, the walk home.

Falling into deep sobs as I mourn another part of my marriage. It's near the end of this process...but still sad.

My dog, all 4kg of her attacked me. Not giving up until she was licking my face, my tears, even my boogs. Gross. This thing will eat her own crap if I let her...so "kisses" are strictly off limits. But she was 4kg of pure force until I burst out laughing. I can't believe I let her clean my face...but she was a dog on a mission.
So blessed to have this 4kg of fur.

The Grocery List

Last night I went to my old place for the last time. My soon-to-be ex-husband arrives today and I needed to get the rest of my stuff and my snow tires before he came back. We're not on fantastic terms.

I can drive there, it’s 38km, and be ok. But it’s very difficult for me to be actually inside the condo. The life that we tried to build together…the fights…the good times…it’s a mess of memories that I can’t keep straight.

Thankfully, a friend came with me. She’s kind of been my “divorce buddy” as she’s going through a similar process, so she understands.

I took the bus home, picked up the car, picked her up, and we drove there.

But I had to do something first.

I had to stop at the grocery store. I had to buy the following:

- Lucky Charms
- family sized package of cow’s milk
- Nutella
- 4 cheese pizza
- 6 pack of Corona
- box of fresh chocolatines (chocolate croissants)
- Oikos greek yogurt packs
- granola bars
- m&ms
- salmon pie
- sesame sticks
- family sized bottle of orange juice
- bananas
- sliced, fresh pineapple
- vegetarian chilli

I didn’t need a list. I could do the shopping blindfolded. My weekly grocery list doesn’t include any of the above items. But when I lived with the girls, that’s what I’d buy. I knew the brands they liked, the flavors they disliked, and exactly what to buy.

I needed to do it one last time.

It was just over $100. Not exactly in the budget of someone who doesn't have a job. We will be signing our separation agreement papers this week. It’s not an easy week on either of us, and although the shopping made me feel empty and sad, it made me feel nice to do it one last time. To think of the girls. To remember the place they have in my heart. Not just them. I needed to say goodbye.

I left the condo. Turned off the lights. Happy that the fridge and cupboards were stocked.

Last night and this morning I felt relief. I wouldn’t have to go back… I was done…I had said goodbye.

This afternoon….all I can think about is that I forgot to buy peanut butter. But it’s too late. The goodbye had been said. The ending is there. A confusing and....sad chapter in my life. Working on turning the page.

Lonely Weekend

Kinda gping crazy this weekend. I think since most of my time is spent alone on the weekends, I have the t.v. on for background noise. My internet/cable has been out since Thursday...so finally I found a place that rents dvds (I was surprised to find out this was even a thing still!!) and am curled up watching some tv series for the night.

But in general, my weekend was pretty lame. I used to have a gal pal that would spend at least one weekend day with me, but she's been sucked into the, "I'm in love and drop off the face of the earth on the weekends because my boyfriend is so great" mentality that I'm REALLY starting to lose my patience with.

Add in divorce talks, that will never go smoothly. And the scale drama, that I need to get into one day and I keep putting off. In short, until I have the time or balls really to elaborate, I'm on medication that effects my weight...and it's very frustrating. I've spoken to my doctors, I've researched online to come to the conclusion that while temporary, this weight ain't going anywhere. I continue to have my health monitored and blood tested...hopefully in the new year my body will have healed enough so that I can stop this medication....but until then, I'm packing on an extra 40lbs that is making me pretty uncomfortable. It's still nice that I'm in great shape and workout and am healthy...but the weight is getting me down. I'm working to make it less important in my life, but it's a struggle.

This may be my last week of work. I might stay a little longer to help out but I really don't know. Right now I'm looking for a clean break so I'm just kinda going with the flow. My department is beimg outsourced to India in 6 months time (what I had predicted) and I've had lots of positive feedback about interviews...so let's just hope this is a blessing in disguise.

Of course keeping my spirits up is my little dog. She's always funny, demanding, annoying, cuddly, goofy, and energetic and her presence helps me a lot.

Today we went to "Doggy Cafe" where rich people or eccentric people bring their dogs to have a coffee or a meal while your dog plays with the other dogs that freely roam the restaurant. I was more interested in Mag's reaction thsn anything. Once she gets comfortable, she kind of runs the show and is an attention suck playing cute for anyone that will notice. She climbs under chairs and through tight spaces to say hello to every human, even the little ones. This makes me even more convinced that she'd make a great therapy dog to bring to extended care facilities and that during my time off, I should really invest some time into finding out more about this.

Thankfully the lonely weekend is almost over and I have a busy weekend planned next week, so I'll get out of my funk.

Now vs Then

Six months ago, I would never have been able to get through a week like this one.

Now, I got through the week and even went to a social event and celebrated with some fancy sparkling water.

It's comforting to realize I'm forever changing and forever learning.

Lucky - one of the gamut of emotions I experience ever hour.

Every day that I continue to work here, I pass through a vast range of emotions. Shame, regret, guilt, excitement, frustration, anger, resentment, hope, relief, and happiness. Sometimes, I feel all of these emotions in just one hour....

I'm regretful that I'll be leaving the first company that I worked for in Montreal. But hard times come for hard measures...and business is business. In the same sense, I worry sometimes that if I had tried harder at x, or done better at Y, that this wouldn't be happening.

Then I think of the possibilities. A job that brings me joy. A job that makes me feel valued and appreciated. A job that challenges me in the right ways. I'm very self aware of what I need in a job and what I don't need in a job.

As I start to make my announcements, I'm met with very positive feedback and it's nice. It's nice to feel appreciated. It's nice not to feel like a total loser. I feel like I did a good job here, but it's time to move on.

I'm having some pretty quick progress on the job interview front. I'm dressed all chique today as I had a couple of meetings/interviews...and I'm feeling encouraged.

Most of all, I feel free. I wasn't ready to make a change yet - so I was pushed to make a change - and it's exciting.

It may not be exciting to have to dip into my very small savings account if I don't find a job right away, but I'm honestly looking forward to having some time off in Montreal, then fly to Edmonton for Christmas, then come back and continue to look for work if I don't have anything lined up after that.

I hope my outlook remains as positive as it has been since I "found out". As far as setbacks this year - it's officially my Chinese Astrological "Year of the Shit", but next year it's the "Year of the Monkey" and I'm a monkey, so that must count for something.

When I consider all that's going on around me - here and in the rest of the world, I count myself lucky. I'm healthy, I'm young, I have a good head on my shoulders (with perfect hair and makeup today, by the way), and I have a strong connection with family and friends - even if they are far away.

Oh - and I went through an "emergency" root canal with minimal crying (Ok, I caused a bit of a scene), and minimal pain (thank you pharmaceutical drugs).

Why it's ok to cry

Last night, I took a prescribed Adavan (ativan?). I was supposed to take one last night and one around 8:30 this morning because I'll be in the dentist's chair for an hour getting an emergency root canal. I'm not sure what defines an "emergency" root canal, since I've known about it since Wednesday. I thought I had a broken crown....turns out it was a broken tooth caused by decay.

Years ago when I had dental work done, it was through what they called, "sedation dentistry" where they'd give me a little blue pill and I'd be wide awake but couldn't care if a plane crashed into the building. Today, I have Adavan.

When I found out about said dental work, I called my grandma in hysterics. It wasn't panic. It wasn't stress. I thought it was. But actually, it gave me an outlet to openly grieve.

When your every day is filled with something sad, but you're not depressed, you carry on your best. I've been carrying on my best, but the sadness of my grandfather's death can weigh in me sometimes. I call my grandma, I listen to music, doing whatever I can to try and keep him in my heart, like I'm scared he'll fly away or something. But the dentist news was just what my brain decided was enough of a reason to break down. To let my sadness be expressed.

After a long cry...I composed myself...driving a few blocks when I had to pull over again and cry. I called a friend...who could hardly understand my extreme reaction to an average dental procedure, but listened none the less....and cried some more.

After work, I met up with that friend for coffee -  the moment I brought up the dental work, tears flowed openly in a busy café right near work...I didn't care. It was then that I really realized what was going on.

The tears weren't for the pain or fear of the dental work. The tears were for the loss I'm still grieving every day, but rationalizing that my life must go on, and I can't cry every day. I'm doing my best. But there will be days where my tears won't suit the moment...where my reactions will be exaggerated...and that's why.

I miss the presence that my grandpa had in my life. Though his suffering has ended, which I'm forever grateful for; though his memories will live on with me always....I still miss him, and as much as he would hate me to be sad, I'm very sad he's no longer with us.

I'm sure there will be tears today (there already has been...), but I know what they are for, and I'm not trying to hide them. They are tears of love for someone I've lost, someone very important to me, and it's okay to cry.

Et ça déroule.

I have to admit I'm pretty nervous this morning.

A Managing Consultant is potentially coming in to fill the gap while my (ex) department goes through some changes. This might be today, this might be next week...my 14 day countdown might be a 7 day countdown, it might be a 20 day countdown. Fun, hey?

I want to work my hardest, my best, to walk out with my head held high regardless of ANY circumstances. While getting some pretty big dental work (that my dentist gave me some fun medication to take to make me loopy), continuing with job interviews, job hunting, and dealing with whatever crap comes up.

Et ça déroule.