#lawyermeltdowns

I seem to be drowning in lawyer stress. I'm not sure why...but the moment I hear the word, "lawyer", I end up in a panic/stress/crying meltdown.



I think I've handled everything so well. I found a place, I transitioned well, I EMBRASED the new neighbourhood...yet, the day or night before I have a lawyer's appointment I'm a total disaster, often ending up sick or with a migraine. 



At the lawyer's office, I'm completely weak, crying, disoriented....it's like I can literally get through ANYTHING in life, except sitting in a lawyer's office.



As such, I've pretty much let her handle everything, since, well, what else is she supposed to do with a mess sitting across from her. I enjoy life, I feel like I'm going to be ok...but, in that chair, I'm a complete disaster. As such, the legal part of our split is a complete and total mess. It may have ruined any chance for us to be civil to one another or ever be friends. And even knowing that, I still can't pull myself together.


Even worse is that today's appointment was to review an email sent from the other lawyer's office sent over a week ago. Completely pointless. Here I thought that maybe, just maybe it would be to review the finalities...but no. 



I have plenty of resources to use to learn how to deal with this stress...and I need to get on that because with this amount of stress, I'm lucky it's only migraine or nausea. 


Thankfully today I was able to get out. Sit on the park & listen to this homeless guy play the piano (he's a regular). And watch this goofy friend play. 


Week.. ???

As per usual, this week has been filled with ups and downs.

But first, I thought I'd talk a little as to how my routine has changed. From November 2014 to July 2015, I would commute home, rush like crazy, let the dog pee on the patio (she had like....a litter box), work out, eat, walk the dog, go to bed.

Now, things are just a little more relaxed. I stroll out of work around 17 or 1730, I take the subway and then the bus home (a total of max 40 minutes), take the rat out to pee quickly, then we come home, Maggie pretends that her food is attacking her for 5-20 minutes, I work out, eat, then take the dog for a real walk in the park. Depending on what's going on, I might stay in the park, listen to music playing (there is a piano for anyone to use), or run errands in the neighbourhood.



My photos will soon be of better quality...because my phone is about 90% dead. I'm playing a little Russian Roulette with it hoping that it just keeps lasting one more week, one more week, one more week....because I'm not prepared for the cost of a new phone....on top of everything else that costs a gazillion dollars during the first few months of moving to a new place.

Speaking of new place....this view makes me so, so happy.
Every day I think I'm so grateful to live in the area that I live in. It's green, it's quiet, it has easy access to EVERYTHING, there are plenty of dogs for Maggie to socialize with, and I can drive to a bigger supermarket in 7 minutes if I needed to.

Meanwhile, back in Alberta, they have been having some FUNKY thunderstorms!!!!!!! (all images courtesy of Global News). I forgot how crazy their thunderstorms can be.


I've changed my workout routine because of some old injuries that haven't totally healed. LES MILLS COMBAT all the way!! I love their schedule, I love the workouts, and I love that I get TWO rest days/week.

The only down side? Me jumping around and stomping around scares the ever living crap out of Maggie. She goes into the same mode that she does when there is a storm outside: trying to escape through the front door, trying to dig a hole in the tile floor, or hiding in corners or behind the TV. Look, I know I'm a little chunky Maggie, but my jumping around doesn't have the same sound as a thunderstorm.... ;)
Now that I have more time and access to many more services, I've started going back to Physio as of yesterday to get me onto the path of running and doing exercises to get me strong and fit and injury free!!!!!!!!
I saw this quote and I think I want to frame it. I need to remember that hard things happen. Hard things HAVE happened, and I'm totally ok. And I'll be ok. I missed 1/2 a day of work this week due to crying-fest that was brought on by an unidentified object. I have no idea why I started crying, but I couldn't stop. Thankfully I have some great local support....and I was able to recover for the next day.

To end off my week, I'll post yet another picture of Maggie - who totally should have her own blog by now. Not only have I let her into my bed (gross), but I let her bring her security bone - she chews it until she falls asleep. And then she annoyingly wakes up, scratches at the door and asks to go sleep in her cage. Traitor.

A short day for me today at the office. I've been keeping my professional look pretty low key lately as I want to feel like I'm wearing pajamas and be comfortable - and wearing lots of makeup doesn't work in case I have a crying fit again... But, I'm sticking to my routine as best as possible, hanging out with good people (going to the beach tomorrow!!!) and slowly getting a life together for myself.


BRING ON THE WEEKEND







Maggie in the City

The end of the weekend is near...I feel like I slept a lot of it...but I also feel like my body was prettttyyy exhausted.

I could start a blog called, Maggie in the City. I'm not sure how this dog has become so chill...but she could stay on these stairs forever. My upstairs neighbour has a shitzu as well...but for some reason, Maggie - who likes almost any dog, totally ignores this dog. It's embarrassing!!! 
I found a Costco near my place (within driving distance) and I feel like I need a sedative...it's much more crowded than the one near my old place...

I'm thinking about hosting a surprise-potluck-birthday party for someone at work, so I think I'll be back next week for supplies, unfortunately...

Saturday was truly errand day and I had to pick up a parcel in the Gay Village. I hadn't really been there before but I LOVE it & should I stay here longer, I might look at places in that area.


Maggie's shopping bag adapts as I need it to. If I'm in a place & I'm trying to keep her even more low key, I hold the bag & she just barely sticks her head & paws out. 

Which brings me to this morning. While put walking Maggie, I decided to have breakfast at a restaurant I've been wanting to try. The princess did AMAZING
and chilled out on her shopping bag like she had done it a million times before. Lots of people passed by, it was a VERY noisy cafe, and Maggie was just like, yeah? What? 

A friend was cycling in the neighbourhood & stopped by. Nice to have guests...but I was totally out of sorts...and ended up crying. Totally embarrassing (my friend was totally understanding & gracious) but...kind of took the wind out of my sails...I know this too shall pass & that things will get better. 

Looking forward to the crazy week at work that I will have...














This week

I long for the days where I lived an interesting life and took interesting photos, blogged about my adventures, and kinda lived the life of a rock-star.

Well, I've moved a lot, things are pretty unstable, and I'm going through a divorce, so maybe I'm still living the life of a rockstar??


Yesterday was a tttttttttouuuuuuuughhhhhh day. Thankfully I was rescued by one of my favorites to took me for a donut. A donut with peanut butter cups on it?!?! What the !??! I think I ate it in 5 bites.
What I tell myself almost every day. Or I'll say, "One day when I get my shit together, I'll....".
Wednesday was lawyer day. Ending a relationship is one thing...but having to deal with lawyers ON TOP of a relationship ending is....well, it sucks the life right out of me. I feel weak, I cry, I'm confused....So I decided that I needed TWO bouquet's of flowers from a local "Depanneur". In Quebec, there aren't very many Shell stations and there are no 7-11s, it's all independently owned little stores that sell beer, wine, ice cream, laundry detergent, flowers....you name it. I have a mix of live/fake plants in my new place and I love how they all look together.

After lawyer day, I was so confused. Lawyer visits take my brain to another level and I cannot function. I was lost, walking around, finally I decided to just walk home. And then I found a bus stop and bus that would take me practically right to my doorstep. INSANITY. I'm finally starting to figure out the public transport system....I think.
Pretty much.

Last weekend I went to Ikea with Donut Girl. She thought I should lay with the cow hide rugs to try to feel closer to my Alberta roots. We were beyond giddy with exhaustion at this point, and it seemed like a good idea. It didn't work, they smelled horrible, but we laughed.
I've been killing it with my workouts lately....but have taken TWO rest days because my legs are EXHAUSTED. I start physio again on the 23rd to see what's up. I used to go regularly but stopped because with my commute to/from work, it was nearly impossible to fit it in with my schedule. Now, it's within walking distance to my place and I can get home in 30 minutes.
A dog is not allowed on the bed. This dog has been sleeping on my bed. I....I'm just kinda lonely.
True urbanised fashion there is a communal garden. I'm no where near wanting to rent a plot of land, but I like walking past there every day with the dog to see what people are growing. It's quite big...maybe 1/2 the size of a football field?

And, the rat. When I'm outside on the patio (or terrace as they are refereed to here), I'll tie her up and she'll just chill out, watching people, dreaming about chasing birds, and occasionally losing her shit when another dog walks by. There are some dogs that she's friends with but there are other dogs that she instantly hates and goes insane over. Also - I'm 184 cm walking a 10 cm tall dog. There's a midget/little person/whatever the PC term is that owns this HUGGEEEEEE boxer. We walk beside each other sometimes and we look like a scene out of the movie, "TWINS" with Danny Devedo and Arnold Swarchenagar. I wonder if the dude thinks we look funny too...but I'm not about to ask.
My place. Green, with little gardens, clean and cute. This weekend it's expected to rain the entire time, so I plan on doing some cleaning and nesting. And sleeping.....have I mentioned I need to find a way to get rid of these bags under my eyes!?!?
Urgh. I need to go shopping but I hate shopping. I need some summer clothes....
Work has been a bit intense lately. It's good because it keeps me distracted....but I'm not exactly on my A game at the moment...and I worry that I'm forgetting things or not doing a good enough job.

Overall, this week has been filled with a lot of ups and downs...but I'm happy to say that I made it through. This weekend I'm meeting with a few dog walkers....hopefully to find someone to help me out with Maggie during the day and keep her social.

Blogger Out.











I'm pretty tired.

I'm not quite sure how I've been getting through the days. Thankfully I have an understanding boss and my best Montreal friends are usually a few short steps away as they work in the same building as me and are ready for my meltdowns at any given notice.

Yesterday, I had one come and drop off an orange (which is slightly funny because in December a co-worker that I didn't know was crying and I was awkward so I offered her an orange...) and today a work friend walked with me to pick up sushi for lunch (which is so not in the budget for this month, but everything is pretty much a wash this month....) and just hugged me while I cried.

No one can truly "help" me through this process, but it's an amazing feeling to know that I am loved and supported...pretty much from one end to the world to the other.

I am really, really, really looking forward to the weekend ahead. I plan on relaxing a lot near my place, NOT DRIVING (or very minimally), walking around, hanging out with the dog, and seeing a movie with a friend on Saturday (the same one that took me for crying sushi). It's a funny story how her and I decided to be friends. We work in a mainly male company, and one day we were talking how it's very nice to have such good guy pals, but both of us needed a girl friend. So, I asked her to be my friend (like grade one style) and we've been pals ever since. She's so incredibly thoughtful....as a random note - we are booking a chalet for the summer (it's what everyone does here) for a couple of nights and on the website she used, she filtered only for chalet's that accept dogs. Because of Maggie. We are going with 8-12 people....I don't know if any of them mind dogs, but she made sure that our chalet accepted dogs. She's just thoughtful like that in small and caring ways.

So while my public blog breakdown yesterday sounded like crap, it's a way for me to express myself, as always, but life isn't so horrible. Yeah, I'm very, very, very tired. I look every minute of my thirty five year old self. But...my quality of life has improved DRASTICALLY since moving, it's amazing now that I have a reasonable commute and live in an incredible area....and I have family support back West and friend support here.

I may end up being a little dog-crazy at the moment...but the little rat makes my days and nights so great. She's a little disturbed with the changes (and she got a haircut which always freaks her out for a good week), so she's very clingly, she's not able to go up/down the stairs without making it look like she's climbing a freaking mountain, but I see her very happy and living a good life, which makes me very, very happy. She gets walked at least twice per night (and once quickly in the morning) and she's loving meeting the new people, smelling everything (I wash her paws after every walk because even though my area is awesome, the streets are dirty and I don't want that crap in my house), meeting new dogs, and best of all - learning how to cross the street. I'm trying to teach her to stop and sit each time the sidewalk ends and we wait there for a few seconds....so that she can learn that she can't just run ahead. Oh - and I'm trying to teach her English....since I look like a fool speaking to my dog that only understands French when it's clear I'm an Anglophone.

Ok, I've rambled on enough. Tomorrow is Friday. I've managed to get through today with some tears, laughs, and some progress on the lawyer front... so all is as good as can be.

<3
Divorce sucks the life out of me.

I'm sure it's sucking the life out of my divorce-partner.

I go to bed every night praying that he's ok, that I'll be ok...and that I'll be able to get to work, stay focused, and get through the day. I also sit for a moment and truly appreciate all of the good things in my life.

Sure on Facebook, I'm this happy person posting funny photos or any kind of stupidities, but the truth is, I go from happy to bawling at the drop of a hat. Overall, I feel like I'm ok. And then, a memory. And I'll fall apart.

I'm very fortuuate to have made the friends that I've made here. I'm very fortunate that my....I don't even know what to call them... my ex-family (this is heartbreaking) allowed me to take the dog...who keeps me active and laughing a lot. I'm very fortunate to have my friends and family back West.

The divorce rate is around 50%. I don't know how 50% of the population can go through something so heartbreaking and devastating and soul crushing.

The Area

Hey there. Haven’t posted in a while.

I swear, moving to this region has totally changed my life. Ok, so going through a divorce will change my life too….but that aside…it’s amazing.





Pre-move, I woke up at 5am, arrived at work at 8am, left work at 5pm, and got home around 7pm, worked out, ate, and rushed to get ready for the next day.

Now?
I wake up at 6 or 630pm. I leave work at the same time (although I might stay a bit later now that I can to make up for some missed time), I get home, work out, eat, clean/unpack a bit, walk the dog AND IT’S 8PM. I have 2 hours with….NOTHING TO DO. Of course, there’s moving stuff that I could do non-stop, but I’ve decided to leave my place a mess and slowly work on it, instead of killing myself and not eat supper until 10pm like I tried to do the first week.

Last night after all was done, I grabbed the dog, went to Dollarama for a few things and the grocery store (where I took Maggie in with me – I carried her in a reusable bag…she was a champ!!), and then stopped for a mini-cone at the gelato place.

Ok, so don’t get me wrong. I’m going through a pretty stressful process and I have A HUGE swing of emotions every day….multiple times a day. Some days are better than others, some days I wonder how I possibly can make it through ONE MORE MINUTE. Last Saturday was a pretty big mess – ending up with me having a level 10 meltdown ON THE MAIN FREEWAY and there were no exits to be found. Not pretty. I was exhausted the rest of the day but had committed to helping my friend (also going through a divorce) and I thought that getting out would do me good. WRONG. I was sleepy, a bit disoriented, and should have just stayed home.

Also, my place is furnished by a younger guy. I have a papasan chair (google it!) and one arm chair, and my mattress and box spring are on the floor. But, it’s details. Maggie is loving it, I’m loving it…I feel like I actually have a life. It’s not all unicorns and skittles….the rough days are there, but living so close to work and in such a cool area helps me a lot.

I'll try to take more photos of my place and the area...it's toooooo cute!!